Toilet Brained: Note to Self

Sometimes I close my eyes and remember nothing at all
it's good when I want to disappear, just block out all the fkn noise.
But it's me, not them...
it's me, not them
that's fucked up in the head.
Fucked up even more than them,
fucked up in the head till the very end.

and I guess it's true
the world really is just black and blue.

and it hurts even more when you are aware
I thought I had changed
but I guess it was just a phase,
Or at least, that's what the world would have me believe

yeah, yeah
I know. I know
its all just in my head, you said it a million times before.
and I dare you to ask me how I really feel? I dare you to tell me what's real from make-believe

If everything is just a mirror image of how I feel inside
then I guess tonight, right now - everything is just one big fat fkd up lie
I'm upset at the way I behave sometimes
when I really am just selfish, possessive and unkind
acting like a total self destructive ass
it's like an out of body experience and I am looking at myself in shock going "what the fucking fuck??"


I try my best to see the best in all the rest
but thats getting harder with each passing day now...
At the end of the night, I can't wait to get away
Can't wait to be in bed...
alone and safe from all I know
safe from all the triggers
that bring back skeletons from the dead
What if I find that I'm just fkn rotten inside?
would I be able to live with that
or would I fast-forward to the very end?

no, no, truth is its not all me..
its also, them.
I can see clearly for once
everyone else just pretends and pretends
and hey, I never said I was anywhere near perfect
but at least now I try and be really honest with myself
so even when all my fears come running back
I try and see through it, try and push through it
try and progress, without hurting the rest
my intentions are mostly pure
but still seems like a battle at best
but its only me I'm in a battle against.

I try to be fair
you like to compare
I don't think were prepared
to swim against the tide
when all you wanna do is run and hide
I'm in the ring, for once ready to take a swing
and I know I'll win the fight this time
I wont quit till I've done all I can
to beat out this bitch inside my head.
hope she's gone before were dead.


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