Caught

I find myself speculating space's space and what a waste of space I've been...
And then I catch myself wasting time on time I wasted and let go by,
time and time again...
If only my mind would just be quiet and allow my eyes to take it all in
maybe I'd be able to see all the beauty outside,
that's really just the beauty with in.

I am a woman, first and foremost...

A woman needs nothing but the freedom to be just that.. a WOMAN.
The freedom to be her sensual self without the constraints of all the external variables in her everyday life.
She's a victim of all the rules society forced her to live by... she is taken for granted, she is disrespected, she is misunderstood, she is underestimated. She knows she is not inferior yet must pretend to feel she is. She is constantly adapting, changing, struggling even if only within herself... but she smiles when she's alone with herself, she knows.. she knows.. it's all part of her becoming... She is the definition of strength yet she is so vulnerable, so easily hurt.

She needs space to grow and explore herself... to feed each of her layers, which are many...
To look inside her soul core, you need to be invited in.
She wants to be held, but not too tightly and not too loosely.
She wants to give, and she would give everything... even at the risk of losing herself in doing so...
She wants protection, but not the kind that would make her feel in danger.
She wants excitement, adventure and most of all passion - she wants to LIVE.
She wants to FEEL ALIVE.... that is why sometimes she longs for pain and sets herself up for a fall, because the feeling of pain is so overwhelming it reminds her of just how very alive she really is.

She wants to DISCOVER and to SHARE her discoveries... but wants you to want her to share them with you. She wants to feel wanted, not only needed.
She knows her worth but needs to know that she is appreciated none the less... or sooner or later she'll be out the door, either literally or metaphorically. She'll always find a way to survive. A woman can live inside herself, building a whole world of her own that is unknown to all... she can live that way for long periods of time, but don't let her get to that point... or you'll lose her there.

No Mans Land

This is a poem I had written years ago in my early teenage years, I stumbled on it when I was tripping down memory lane earlier today.

I have found another place

where i can finally find

some peace of mind.

Its a little space in between

everything that is real

and all my dreams...

I had a little peak into Alice's looking glass

something i agree,

I probably should have never done.

Mr. Caterpillar and the Walrus

never looked so damn pleased

to see me,

as they blew O s

made by their 'happy' pipes.

Then some great mythological creature

(which?) I can't really tell...

told me he had a flower for me

but it died on his way to see me.

"That's OK," I said...

where it fell, grew another much prettier one.

Music notes passing by-

carried by the man himself,

the one we wept for

on the day of his death.

-- Back in the real world,

they try to ask u questions by televising an unsuccessful seance.

*Oh they'll never really understand, that u never left us.

Cornflake girls dancing in the distance

around a melody sung by their bonfire

and those fairies with no wings

smile dreamily as they fly

on another level of spirituality.

I'll never forget what i saw

the day i looked through the glass

into No mAnS LAnD

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."

"You will make mistakes. And they are right too."

ANAIS NIN

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

The other night I was looking at my reflection in the mirror, which then turned in to a starring competition with myself in the mirror. As I was watching myself watching myself something strange happened, it was like that person in the mirror had a mind of her own... It was an almost lucid experience.

I swear I saw this little girl who looked confused as to why she was holding a cigarette, who looked confused as to how her face had gotten that much longer, that much more angular... as to how that scar on the top of her right cheek, right below her eye had gotten there. She looked scared at the prospect that maybe this is the woman she'll become. I felt like I needed to explain myself to her, I felt like I needed to apologize. She seemed upset, maybe even disappointed... her gaze so innocent yet so hurt, so betrayed. I could almost hear her cry just looking at her eyes. I wanted to say something to comfort her, anything... but I couldn't find the words. I wanted to promise her that things will be okay, that there's still hope for a better outcome - but I didn't want to just hand out empty promises like I always do. She deserves better, at least from me.
Then it came, all these flashes of a not so distant past... for a moment or two I felt secure and safe, happy and free, hopeful. Then I looked back at the mirror and the little girl was gone. It dawned on me that I owe her, I owe her everything. I have to make things right.